Severed Hand Was Actually Dried Squid

A hand-shaped object that led Hawaii Department of Land and Natural Resources to call the police was determined to be a dried-out squid. A woman said a group of teenagers and young adults from her family discovered the object, which resembled the severed hand of a small child, at Mokuauia Seabird Sanctuary, also known as Goat Island. Mom urged her family to call authorities last Thursday. Hawaii Department of Land and Natural Resources responded to the scene and contacted the Honolulu Police Department’s homicide unit upon viewing the object. However, officials soon determined the object was actually a dried-out squid.

Missouri Lake Sets World Record For Noodlers

Missouri’s Lake Lotawana is claiming a world record for most people floating around on foam noodles. With 1,555 people noodling around in the water Saturday, Lake Lotawana beat the previous record of 940 noodles held by rival Weatherby Lake set in 2008. The noodle nonsense started three years ago by Weatherby Lake homeowner Pete Pierce, who contacted Guinness World Records, which informed him no such category existed. Pierce then formed the Noodle World Authority and claimed the “world record” with his friends. Lake Lotawana also took the record for furthest traveling noodler with someone coming all the way from Egypt for the event. The distance record was previously held by a German participant at Weatherby Lake.

Chicago Man Named Best U.S. Air Guitarist

A Chicago man was crowned the U.S. air guitar champ and will now compete in the Air Guitar World Championships in Finland. Justin Howard, 27, won the guitar pantomiming contest Saturday in Chicago to qualify for next month’s competition in Oulu, Finland, which includes competitors from more than 20 countries. Howard, who performs under the name “Nordic Thunder,” is a four-time winner of the Chicago regional championship.

Owl Collector

Dr. Bill Roe gives a hoot about all things owls. The associate dean of the Arkansas State University College of Business began collecting owls more than two decades ago. But he’s not sure exactly why. He says he’s fascinated with owls’ ability to see at night and their beauty. He has close to 600 owls in all shapes and sizes. His collection ranges from owl shot glasses to an owl purchased at a Spanish monastery.

Hotel Seeks ‘Assistant Duckmaster’

A Memphis hotel is reviewing applicants for the position of “assistant duckmaster,” an employee in charge of wrangling the hotel’s five ducks. Duckmaster Jason Sensat said the previous assistant duckmaster, Don Fort, is moving to the concierge desk, and more than 100 people have applied for the position to ensure the ducks are escorted to the hotel’s lobby fountain for daily swims. Sensat said he and the assistant duckmaster are also responsible for maintaining a “calm and inviting” environment for the ducks – a 78-year tradition at the hotel – and making sure their $200,000 rooftop nest is kept pristine and stocked with food. The duckmaster said the mallards are released into the wild every three months and new ducks are brought in and trained.

Presidential Plane Getting A Makeover

Tennessee auto detailer Dale Wilson has a big job working on a presidential ride. Wilson is part of a 35-member team of the nation’s top detailers working on the former Air Force One. The custom Boeing 707 was taken out of service in 1996 and is now part of the Museum of Flight collection in Seattle. The detailers will restore everything from the cockpit to the bathrooms. Wilson says he never dreamed he would have an opportunity to work on Air Force One.

Owney The Postal Dog Gets A Makeover

The National Postal Museum in Washington said the stuffed remains of Owney the dog, a postal icon since 1888, received a makeover to coincide with his stamp. Owney, whose image graces a “Forever” stamp due to be released tomorrow, was fixed up in June by retired Smithsonian taxidermist Paul Rhymer and is returning to display at the postal museum. Rhymer said his work included replacing Owney’s eyes, patching bald spots on his fur and sculpting a new snout. Owney became famous after he wandered into a post office in Albany, New York, in 1888 and spent the night on a pile of mailbags. He traveled the country with the Railway Post Office until he was shot by a Toledo, Ohio, town marshal in 1897 after reportedly attacking a mail clerk.

Beard Champ

When Burke Kenny wants to get something off of his chest he braids his beard. His cascade of facial hair earns Kenny first place in the World Beard and Mustache Championships, for full beard with styled mustache category. Kenny admits some things can be tough – like kissing or eating messy food. He adds that the windy weather of the Pacific Northwest leads to bad beard days. Will he ever be beardless? The Olympia, Washington, man jokes he might shave off his beard for a million bucks.

Wisconsin Professor Wins 2011 Bad Writing Contest

A sentence about slaughtered birds and memories took top honors yesterday in an annual bad writing contest. Sue Fondrie of Oshkosh, Wisconsin, won the 2011 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest for her sentence comparing forgotten memories to dead sparrows. The contest asks writers to submit the worst possible opening sentences to imaginary novels. Fondrie wrote: “Cheryl’s mind turned like the vanes of a wind-powered turbine, chopping her sparrow-like thoughts into bloody pieces that fell onto a growing pile of forgotten memories.” The University of Wisconsin professor’s 26-word sentence is the shortest grand prize winner in the contest’s 29-year history. Contest judges liked that Fondrie’s entry reminded them of the 1960s hit song “The Windmills of Your Mind,” which San Jose State University Prof. Scott Rice described as an image that “made no more sense then than it does now.” The contest is named after British author Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, whose 1830 novel “Paul Clifford” begins with the opening line “It was a dark and stormy night.”

Pastor At NASCAR Race Gives Thanks For ‘Smokin’ Hot Wife’

Pastor Joe Nelms likely had folks gathered at the NASCAR Federated Auto Parts 300 race looking around for his “smokin’ hot wife” after he thanked God for her during his pre-race invocation. Nelms, pastor of Family Baptist Church in nearby Lebanon, Tennessee, borrowed a little bit from the film “Talladega Nights” and from NASCAR legend Darrell Waltrip in his prayer before last weekend’s race. He thanked God for such things as “theses mighty machines that you’ve brought before us,” going on to cite the wonders of Dodges, Toyotas and Fords. Then he prayed for “Sunoco Racing Fuel and Goodyear tires that bring performance and power to the track.” But it was when he got to his family that he had fans and drivers peeing their pants. “Lord, I want to thank you for my smokin’ hot wife tonight, Lisa, my two children, Eli and Emma, or as we like to call them the Little E’s.” They he closed with, “In Jesus name, Boogity, Boogity, Boogity. Amen.”

Massive Home

A Missouri planning and zoning official said he has been receiving calls from around the country about a 72,000-square-foot home under construction. Todd Wiesehan, planning and zoning administrator for Christian County, said the home, south of Ozark, has yielded numerous calls to his office from curious parties across the United States. The home, dubbed Pensmore by owner Steven Huff, chairman of Wisconsin-based TF Concrete Forming Systems, is expected to become one of the largest residences in the United States, with 13 bedrooms and 14 bathrooms. According to the site pensmore.com, the residence is being built in part to showcase new technology developed by Wiesehan’s firm and the Helix Corp. The home, which is expected to be completed within the next two years, also includes two elevators, a billiard room, a home theater, a music room, a library and a 4,000-square-foot garage.

Civil War Veteran’s Son

Henry Victor Booth is the son of a Confederate soldier. It might seem hard to believe, but historians say there are a few dozen people still alive whose fathers fought in the Civil War. The 92-year-old Booth is one of them. His father was 72 when Booth was born. Booth says his father never talked much about the Civil War. But he has his own war stories – he’s a World War II U.S. Navy veteran and served in the Pacific.

Gramps Hides Gun In Candy Aisle

Police in Riviera Beach, Florida, arrested a 72-year-old man who allegedly pulled a gun on a fellow Walgreens customer and hid the weapon in the candy aisle. A clerk at the store told police he heard Robert Warn mumble a racial slur when he entered the store Wednesday, and the victim told officers Warn pulled a gun on him during a dispute about cash in the store’s pharmacy. The victim exited the store and waved down officers who entered the store and asked Warn if he had a gun. The man initially told them he was unarmed before admitting he had hidden the weapon in the store’s candy aisle. The gun, an unloaded small Colt, semiautomatic pistol, was found beneath a row of chocolate bars. Warn was charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and evidencing prejudice while committing an offense. He was held in lieu of $150,000 bail and ordered to undergo a mental health evaluation.

Hacked Business Stuck With Huge Phone Bill

A Bellevue, Washington, business was victim of phone hackers, leaving it with a $90,000 bill. Reliance Mortgage owner Hank Lo’s average phone bill comes to about $1,000 a month. But his most recent bill from his long-distance provider, Integra, was for almost $90,000, full of international calls to North Korea and South Africa. The phone bill showed that hundreds of calls were made to the two countries on February 5th and 6th, which Integra admits is implausible. Hackers had targeted the mortgage company’s switchboard, so when the international calls were placed, Lo would be billed for them. Integra offered to take about $47,000 off of the bill, leaving Reliance responsible for the remaining $41,000, which the phone company offered a payment plan of $500 a month for the next seven years. “I don’t know, I need help,” Lo said, adding he can’t afford to pay the amount.

Man Sets House Ablaze While Cremating Dog

A Dale City, Virginia, man accidentally set his house on fire while trying to dispose of the remains of his dead pet dog. The owner of the large Rottweiler started the fire last Wednesday morning by putting pieces of wood next to its body and boosting the flames with gasoline. Firefighters were called to the two-story, single-family home at 9:10 a.m., where they found smoke coming out the front of the house and flames from the outside to the attic in the back. Prince William fire and rescue Battalion Chief Joe Robertson said the gasoline had pooled near the house, extending the flames to the home. The blaze caused $70,000 worth of damage to the home. The matter was being investigated and no charges have been filed.

Pink Tractor

You don’t see many pink tractors. But an Indiana girl plans to drive one later this month. Abby Harlan and her grandfather have spent the summer restoring a 1961 I.H. Cub Cadet tractor. It has a white hood and seat, but the rest of it will be painted pale pink. Abby hopes to raise money for breast cancer awareness when she drives the tractor in the Swayzee Farm Days parade.

Feathers Lead To Stolen Swan

Police in Orlando, Florida, said a trail of feathers led them to a missing swan and the man accused of stealing the bird from a lake. Officers followed the feathers yesterday from Lake Eola in the city’s downtown to the backyard of Goeffre Peter Smart, 24, about three blocks away. A witness told officers Smart had been seen walking down the street holding the large swan. The bird, which was not injured, was driven back to Lake Eola in a police car and released. Smart was charged with grand theft, grand theft of commercial farm animal, being in a park after hours and animal cruelty. He was being held in lieu of $3,050 bail.

Busted By Facebook

A probation officer didn’t have to look far to find a Kentucky man in violation of his probation. Prosecutors say Scott W. Roby posted pictures of himself drinking on his Facebook page – after he had invited his probation officer to be his friend on Facebook. Roby’s probation has been revoked. He’s been sentenced to two years in prison, in part for violating conditions that required him to stay alcohol-free. He had been convicted on drug charges.

Man Sets Largest Tonsils Record

Guinness World Records said a Kansas man who underwent a tonsillectomy and adenoidectomy set a record for the world’s largest tonsils. One of the tonsils removed from Justin Werner, 21, at Excellent Surgery Center in Topeka on January 18th measured 2.1 inches long, 1.1 inches wide, and 0.7 inch thick, while the other measured 1.9 inches long, 1 inch wide and 0.7 inch thick. The tonsils were respectively 0.8 inches and 0.6 inches longer than the previous record tonsils, which were removed from Justin Dodge of Milwaukee.

Pot Donation

Someone is high on Goodwill. A worker at the charity in Lawrence, Kansas, found a small amount of pot in a donation drop box at the Goodwill store. Lawrence Police Sergeant Ted Bordman figures the stash was left by mistake. The pot was confiscated and will be destroyed.